Micro-Apartments: If These Walls Could Talk, They’d Whisper
The American space program has been suffering of late. We simply can’t find enough people willing to spend six months to a year living inside a small capsule in … Continue reading
Let’s Make a Gingerbread House!
Hi everybody! Today we’re going to make a gingerbread house. People often think that Christmas is all about Santa Claus and presents and avoiding that one aunt. Wrong! It’s about … Continue reading
Words We’ve Probably Learned From Movies
Everyone has either been the victim or the aggressor in regards to the following sentence: “Oh, you got that from [insert movie here].” As much as we’d like to deny … Continue reading
BREAKING NEWS: Romney Blames Election Loss on “Lazy” Son
BOSTON – Throughout the election campaign, Mitt Romney’s five sons, Tagg, Matt, Josh, Ben, and Craig, played an essential role in helping their father get the word out. But a … Continue reading
A Meditation on a Stray Jar of Cheese Balls
Every time I walk into a convenience store near my apartment, I see a lonely giant jar of cheese balls that no one appears to be buying. As a massive … Continue reading
BREAKING NEWS: Obama and Romney Spent Election Night Playing Halo 4
WASHINGTON – According to campaign insiders, President Obama and Mitt Romney spent election night playing the new Halo for hours, occasionally pausing the Xbox game to check swing state results. … Continue reading
10 Reasons We Should Carve Watermelons Instead of Pumpkins
So there I was, elbow deep in the disgusting bowel-like innards of a pumpkin, when it occurred to me, why in the hell am I doing this? “Chason, it’s a … Continue reading
Zombie Bees Are A Thing
I’m generally racist towards insects. I don’t want them in my home, I don’t want them in my community, and if my daughter ever brought one home for prom, I‘d … Continue reading
Take This Vegetable, Please
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but today it seems like it takes a village to feed a child, because they’re fat. I’m saying that one … Continue reading
You Better Double Bag Your Freedom, Because It’s Leaking
Hello there, welcome to this week’s episode of “What’s Seattle Banning Now?” In today’s article we’re going to look at plastic bags, those thin, stretchy contraptions that carry your groceries … Continue reading
My Address to the Graduates
Originally appeared in The Capitol Hill Times, Seattle, June 21, 2012 Graduates, parents, and chancellors from all the colleges and universities across this city: once again you did not ask … Continue reading
The Time I Robbed A Train
I remember being in the country. The first issue at hand was stopping the train. You might think this required an obstruction, like a barrel filled with explosives, a woman … Continue reading
Why No Ketchup Chips, America?
Some people wonder about the main difference between Canada and the U.S. You may point to the structure of government, the tax system, or the weather, but I can simplify … Continue reading
My First Comicon in Pictures
My stupid article on the Seattle Comicon can be found here: http://www.capitolhilltimes.com/2012/04/trying-to-get-into-the-emerald-city-comic-con/ Chason Gordon copyright 2012
On the Phrase “No Worries”
A few years ago I apologized to a friend for not making it to his party, and very effortlessly, he shook his head and said, “No worries.” I had never … Continue reading
Man Uses Robocalls to Trash Successful Sister
TEMPE, ARIZONA – Peter Thompson had long felt jealous of his sister for her various successes, fearing she outshined him in the eyes of his parents, so he decided to … Continue reading
Romney Restructures Wayne Industries
GOTHAM – In a shocking move today, Mitt Romney’s Bain Capital purchased Bruce Wayne’s company and immediately began restructuring it, leading to thousands of layoffs across the board. “This should … Continue reading
All You Need to Know About Mannequins
Because we as humans are not stackable on shelves in small square piles, it was necessary to create mannequins. That is essentially the history. I could mention old kings using … Continue reading
The Hypocrisy of Treadmills
The problem with treadmills is that they always cater to the ideal running experience. Now surely that is the role of any piece of equipment in the gym, but life … Continue reading
Obama Engrossed By Republican Primaries, Forgets Presidential Duties
WASHINGTON – According to a recent report, President Obama is so engrossed with the republican primaries that he’s forgotten all his responsibilities as Commander in Chief. “He spends all day … Continue reading
Solyndra Solar Panels Mistakenly Gave Sun Energy
WASHINGTON – A source in the Obama administration confirmed today that the solar panels produced by the now defunct Solyndra actually gave the sun more power, rather than absorbing it, … Continue reading
Newt Gingrich Literally Constructs Own Moral Universe
MACLEAN, VA – It was discovered today that Newt Gingrich literally constructed his own moral universe, mostly built out of mirrors, birch bark, and headshots. “It’s amazing,” confirmed one reporter, … Continue reading
Live Blogging a Sunrise
(recorded earlier) 6:10 Hi everybody, thanks for joining me today as I live blog a sunrise. A lot could happen here, so I’m pretty excited. I’ve got my camera, some … Continue reading
How to Cook Chicken
Let’s say you’re standing in front of a piece of meat. Let’s just say it, we don’t have rush into any kind of action. It could be chicken, or the … Continue reading
All You Need to Know About Fireworks
I don’t know about you, but the New Year’s resolution I make most often while watching the fireworks is that I need to watch more fireworks. They are so absorbing … Continue reading
