A humor magazine written by Chason Gordon. See below.
The stakeout is one of the great American pastimes, one notch under baseball and two notches above “making notches.” One could argue we’re all on a stakeout right now, waiting for God or aliens or the messiah, one could make that argument, especially my friend Pete. That’s all he talks about.
The first to thing to do on a stakeout is figure out why you’re on stakeout. Usually one of two things are going on here: you’re waiting for someone to come home in order to kill them, or you’re gathering information so someone else can kill them. Not much room for positivity there, but that doesn’t mean a stakeout can’t lead to giving someone flowers or presenting them with a giant check.
One thing you want to do before the stakeout is find a good location. Think about the location on the way to the stakeout, so you don’t keep changing positions like an uncomfortable dog. The important point here is finding a spot where the arriving subject can’t see you. If they see you, they might turn back and disappear, leaving you as the one who will be staked out (see: “What to Do if You’re Being Followed”).
Try to find someplace hidden and comfortable. You will be sitting or crouching or hopping for a long period of time, especially if the person doesn’t show up, so bring a pillow. Bringing a blanket is ok, but you risk being hit with a baton by an old timey police officer, saying something like, “Move along then.”
If you choose to wait in your car, it’s best to wait in one with tinted windows, or at least bring a girl along, and repeatedly say, “Keep talking.” Sitting by yourself in a vehicle while wearing sunglasses and reading the newspaper is much more conspicuous than it seems (especially in an ice cream truck or a bumper car).
Now although you’re waiting for someone to arrive, you can’t be expected to actively wait the entire time, so it’s ok to find some activities to distract yourself, as long as you don’t affect the task at hand. Bring a book, but don’t become emotionally involved in it (“Why did George have to shoot Lenny! I hate this book!”). Call someone, but don’t call your mother or your girlfriend, because an argument will ensue, and it will be hard to get off the phone when the guy shows up (“I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier but I have to go!”).
If you want to be old fashioned, you can throw cards in a hat, but keep the hat close by, otherwise a card will slide away until it hits a shoe, and slowly looking up you’ll notice that shoe is connected to the guy, who’s pointing a gun at you. “Lose something?” he might say, like an asshole. Someone should totally kill him.
Now waiting in the target’s home has its own perks, because you can plan how and where to surprise them. The worst of these, often employed by cat burglars, is attaching yourself to the ceiling. Though an impressive feat, there’s nothing to do on the ceiling (which is why people live on floors), and no matter how strong you are, your arms and legs will eventually give out, or worse, a bead of sweat will hit the floor, and the subject will pretend not to notice it, get his gun, and shoot you. “Drop something?” I hate this guy!
Other surprise methods can be more elaborate. One involves sitting just near the entrance, so when he comes in, you can say, “Close the door and leave the lights off.” He may, with the appearance of casualness, go to the closet and put his coat away, at which point you can hold up his gun and say, “Is this what you’re looking for? It’s a nice piece. Sit down.” You just showed him! Be careful however, because if there’s a struggle and he wrenches the gun from you, he will smoothly call 911, look you in the eye, and say, “Please send someone, I’ve just killed an intruder.” You never know with these things.
Now my favorite method of surprise can only be accomplished if you have a reputation as a serious killer. In this scenario, the guy comes home to find you cooking dinner in the kitchen, allowing you to casually turn to him and say, “You like garlic?” This requires a lot of confidence, but if done correctly, can be very rewarding. Simple touches include leaving your gun out on the table, asking him to stir the sauce, and putting on some nice music. At no point will he try anything, because he knows who you are (if he doesn’t, this could really backfire). When the meal is over, you may offer him a cigar and tell him what it’s like to be a killer, the conclusion of which ends with you shooting him (it’s not a great story).
The last thing to remember is that going on a stakeout certainly works up the old appetite. Feel free to bring along any snacks, like pistachios, fruit, or beef jerky. Understand however that if you accidentally leave behind some pistachio shells, you’ll become known as the “Pistachio Killer.” It’s the same with any food left behind, so if you don’t want to be known as the “Fruit Rollup Killer,” the “Truffle Popcorn Killer,” or the “Veal Parmigiana with Sweet Peppers and Fennel Killer,” clean up after yourself.
To learn more about the life of crime, check out: http://literallyhumor.com/2011/09/29/what-to-do-in-a-safe-house-2/