A humor magazine written by Chason Gordon. See below.
6:10 Hi everybody, thanks for joining me today as I live blog a sunrise. A lot could happen here, so I’m pretty excited. I’ve got my camera, some beef jerky, and a phone in case I need to call somebody. Just wanted to set the scene for you.
6:12 Well I guess while we wait, I can tell you the history of the sunrise, although there are various theories. Some say the sunrise was built in a little village in Nepal, in order to keep children from painting the farmers’ sheep. Others say it was invented by David Hume to justify cheap philosophical arguments. In any case, it has been franchised all over the world, and inspired many impressionist paintings, though only a couple of them are good.
6:19 Wait, something’s happening.
6:20 False alarm. (I’m getting a call. It’s Pete!)
6:48 Back to the sunrise. Pete’s not doing well if you were wondering. His wife – you gotta hear this – his wife left him for another man. You know who? The guy who invented horseradish. Amazing.
7:00 Ok, here we go. Getting some pink now.
7:00 Little more pink.
7:01 Again with the pink.
7:01 Seriously? More pink?
7:01 Now there’s less pink.
7:02 Now it’s all black.
7:02 (My eyes were shut.)
7:02 Pink again. Enough with the ceremony.
7:03 (Reading about trade deficits online, but back to the sunrise.)
7:03 Getting a little tired, which is a good thing. I’m only live blogging the sunrise because I can’t sleep. No biggie.
7:03 More pink.
7:03 WHY DOES MY INSOMNIA CAUSE ME TO SEE SUCH BEAUTY?!!
7:03 Pink pink pink pink pink. Can we get some manly colors? Like dark brown oil grease? I love that color.
7:04 Ooh, more pink. Real original!
7:04 This color is ostensibly pink, but it’s actually fuchsia.
7:04 There’s more pink than blue now. I wonder how blue feels about that.
7:05 What the hell is taking so long?
7:10 It’s just been brought to my attention through a Google search that I am currently witnessing dawn, which is not the same thing as a sunrise. Who knew? Apparently the sunrise doesn’t occur for another twenty minutes. I’m going to go buy some whiskey. Stay here.
7:31 Ok, so they won’t sell you hard liquor this early in the morning. I’ve learned two new things today!
7:32 Nothing yet. What’s great about the sunrise is that everyone can enjoy it, except for people in prison.
7:33 Of course if your cell was facing the right direction, you might catch part of it, but not in solitary!
7:34 People always wonder who they’d be in prison. I know who I’d be: a guard. I’m too responsible to go to prison. (Or am I too fast?)
7:34 Still nothing. Whose idea was this? I might as well live blog the moon. First entry: “crescent.”
7:35 Here we go. Finally getting some action on the sun.
7:35 I see a little sliver of orange.
7:35 More orange.
7:35 Little more orange. I kind of miss the pink.
7:35 Getting some of the rim now. It looks like a creepy neighbor peeking over a fence.
7:35 This is boring.
7:36 If you smashed an egg in my eye, it would basically be the same thing as watching a sunrise.
7:36 Oh look, there are streaks of orange lining the blue sky, trying to find an audience, but no one cares.
7:36 If the sunrise was a TV show it would have been cancelled.
7:36 If the sunrise was a girlfriend I’d abandon her at a gas station, like Nicholson in Five Easy Pieces.
7:36 If the sunrise was a sunrise I’d sunrise sunrise that sunrise.
7:36 No I will not “delete repeated word”!
7:36 Jesus Christ. They end movies with this shit?
7:37 If I was in a movie I would ride away from the sun. I’d go to Denny’s.
7:37 It’s just that I don’t care how the sun gets here, I only want the final product. It’s the same reason I don’t spend my time at abattoirs.
7:37 If Woody Allen was the sun I would not prefer his early work.
7:37 You know, in screenwriting classes they tell you to consider the “So What?” factor. Which is to say, why should an audience care about your story? I would ask the same thing of a sunrise.
7:37 Sunrises would be nothing without the horizon. It’s really the horizon that’s doing all the work.
7:37 Is anyone still reading this?
7:37 The sun appears to be fully out now. Will it rise again tomorrow? Who cares.
7:38 I just smashed my camera and then threw down a couple of hundred dollar bills, like Caan in The Godfather.
7:39 I think the sun has pretty much said all it has to say. It moved to the right. The long way.
7:40 Pete’s calling again. Hold on. “You tried to buy whiskey too? That’s crazy. What? How is she? Did you call her? Maybe if you two just talk it out. What? I don’t think the guy who invented horseradish has that much money. I never eat horseradish.”
7:47 Look guys, I have to take this, but I hope you enjoyed me live blogging the sunrise. Join me next time as I live blog dusk. It should be exciting.
6:30pm (Still pink.)
End of transmission!