A humor magazine written by Chason Gordon. See below.
WASHINGTON – A source in the Obama administration confirmed today that the solar panels produced by the now defunct Solyndra actually gave the sun more power, rather than absorbing it, which was their initial purpose.
“The sun has never been more powerful,” said an inside source, speaking on the condition of anonymity, “we can literally trace how much bigger and hotter its gotten since Solyndra opened its doors.”
Former Solyndra officials indicated that the schematics for the solar panels were drawn backwards, causing a reflective effect which delivered important solar energy back to the source from whence it came. The diameter of the tempestuous star increased several thousand miles over the course of six years, during which time solar flares reached an all time high, frequently interrupting cell phone service.
“Boy, we really messed up on this,” said CEO Brian Harrison through a press release. “Solyndra apologizes to its investors, in this case the federal government, and hopes in no way does this undermine the green movement, though it clearly will.”
The Solyndra story is yet another hit for the alternative energy industry. Just last week it was discovered that an entire field of wind turbines in Nebraska were actually very large fans, drawing thousands of kilowatts of power from the local community. It was also found that the Chevy Volt, a popular hybrid car, derives its alternative energy from the passengers in the vehicle, leaving many consumers tired and lethargic.
Additionally, a new report has surfaced showing that while it’s true the icecaps are melting, what’s inside them is much worse. Thousands of demons previously frozen have been released from their ice cells and are wreaking havoc in the Antarctic, soon to make their way to urban areas.
But it is with Solyndra that the most damage may have been done. Scientists are worried that Solyndra’s solar panels transferred so much energy back to the sun, that the earth will have to be moved several light years away, a process requiring a vast amount of rockets and jet fuel.
“We were always in a great position for life to develop,” said Henry Price, an astronomer, “but now because of Solyndra, that’s no longer the case.”
Originally contributed to Cap News