A humor magazine written by Chason Gordon. See below.
WASHINGTON – According to a recent report, President Obama is so engrossed with the republican primaries that he’s forgotten all his responsibilities as Commander in Chief.
“He spends all day watching Fox News,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney, “we’re a little worried. I keep telling him he has to meet with some school children and sign a bill, but he just tells me to fuck off and give him another hour.”
The republican primaries have certainly kept the nation rapt with attention. Between the exits of Rick Perry and Jon Huntsman, and the late surge of Newt Gingrich, audiences are finding it impossible to predict what will come next.
“I don’t know what to do anymore,” said a concerned Michelle Obama, banging on the door to the oval office. “He just keeps watching television and ordering in food, occasionally popping out to tell me the latest poll numbers.”
Many of the presidential duties have been ignored of late. The halls of the White House are packed with championship teams waiting to meet the President, all of whom are sitting on boxes of broken Solyndra solar panels. Additionally, various European leaders have had their phone calls ignored, and are greeted with an answering machine message that simply tells them to “Get your shit together.”
The assumption that Vice President Biden is running the White House appears to be wrong, because Obama has him flying to every primary state in order to bring back the local popular food.
“Republicans are having a field day with this,” said Carney, “which only makes the coverage more exciting. He’ll never come out.”
We got a chance to sit down with President Obama during the last South Carolina debate. The oval office was strewn with empty bags of white truffle popcorn, crushed beer cans, and a rope of licorice that appeared to be endless. In the middle of the room stood David Axelrod, roasting a pig over an eternal flame. Obama was sitting on the floor against the front of a futon.
POTUS: You want a chair? Axelrod! Get this guy a chair!
ME: So are you concerned at all that no one’s running the country?
POTUS: Oh man, Newt just pwned John King! Are you watching this shit? Put down that fucking notepad. I can’t believe that people don’t care about his cheating. Did you know that Scarlet Johansson wrote me a letter? I love my wife, but come on, if I had known that cheating was ok…I don’t know, I’m just saying.”
ME: Are you worried about potentially debating Gingrich?
POTUS: Wait a second. Ron Paul was a doctor? That’s hilarious. Here’s my impression of Dr. Ron Paul. You be the patient.
POTUS: Come on, just complain about something.
ME: Ok. Hi Dr. Paul, I’ve been having a pain in my chest.
POTUS: I know what the problem is: the Fed! Laughs hysterically
ME: That’s a good one.
CARNEY: Sir we need you to approve-
POTUS: FUCK OFF CARNEY!!! Hey reporter, don’t you think that Carney looks like a guy who’s supposed to turn into a superhero, but never does? What a nerd.
ME: Well I suppose-
POTUS: Boy I love watching these debates. This Obama guy sounds like a jerk.
Aides quickly escorted me out the door, but I managed to ask Obama one more question.
ME: Does their angry rhetoric bother you?
POTUS: No, not at all. I’m just a fan. I can’t believe I get to meet one of them!