A humor magazine written by Chason Gordon. See below.
TEMPE, ARIZONA – Peter Thompson had long felt jealous of his sister for her various successes, fearing she outshined him in the eyes of his parents, so he decided to do something about it.
“I saw how all the presidential candidates were using robocalls to attack each other and I found it really inspiring. If it can help Mitt Romney, maybe it can help me.”
Thompson has been sending round the clock robocalls to his mother and father, trying to encourage them to think less of his sister and pay more attention to him. One of them reads as follows:
“Martha Thompson may seem like a successful young lawyer, but she rarely calls and doesn’t do the dishes when she visits. Is that what you want in a daughter? This message was brought to you by Peter Thompson.”
“He only does the dishes because he has nothing else to show for his life,” said an irritated Martha Thompson, who accidentally received one of Peter’s robocalls. “All those clean dishes will never make up for the fact that he failed as a son.”
The robocalls have not simply been going to Thompson’s parents. “Sending them to my parents is one thing, but I’ve been taking a scorched earth approach and directing the robocalls to everyone in the neighborhood, including our family doctor, our preacher, and our old high school principal.”
“Martha was a fine student,” said Henry Stilton, the principal of Westlake High, “but now because of the robocalls, I don’t know what to think.”
Thompson hopes that lowering his sister’s reputation in the community will change his parents’ opinion. “If no one in the town likes Martha, it would be a waist for my parents to like her. They might as well throw their love away.”
We caught up with Frank and Sherry Thompson to find out what they thought of the robocalls. “We’re proud of all our children,” said Mrs. Thompson, “Martha may be doing a little better in life, but I still love my son.”
Mr. Thompson however was not in agreement. “He’s a goddamn disgrace! I’m frankly impressed with these robocalls – this is the only initiative that lazy bastard has ever shown!”
But Peter plans to continue the smear campaign, noting that he has tapes of his sister saying nice things about him and will use it against her.
“The robocalls are just the beginning,” Thompson said, “I’m going to get her poll numbers so low that she’ll be written out of the will, and if I can get her disbarred as well, that’s just icing on the cake.”
“The cake is real by the way,” he added. “It says ‘Martha Sucks.’ I’m sending it to my parents for their anniversary.”
Originally Contributed to Cap News