Humor by Chason Gordon. See below.

What to Do in a Safe House

The best thing to do in a safe house is think about why you’re in a safe house. What did you do to get here? Did you kill someone? Did you rat somebody out? Did a bank robbery go bad? If this is the case, stay at the safe house until the others arrive. If you plan to rip off your bank robbery friends, it’s best to find an even safer house, preferably one they’re unaware of.

In case you don’t know, a safe house is any house that has the curtains drawn. It can’t be a public place like a Starbucks or a Dodgers game. Find a regular house and stay inside it.  Don’t dance in front of the windows, or sit on the front lawn, or suntan naked on the roof. You must be inside the safe house for the “safety” part to take effect.

Once you’re in the house, keep it down and stay quiet. That’s important. It’s all part of “keeping a low profile,” which goes hand in hand with staying in a safe house. You can’t have one without the other. Don’t host heist parties or order any food. The safe house should be stocked with provisions, but just in case, get some groceries on your way home from the crime.

If the crime is really serious, like treason or erasing all the baseball records, you should leave the country and go someplace where there is no extradition treaty (these are what’s known as “safe countries.” Many of their houses are safe).

Now you may find yourself bored and wanting to go out, so it’s a good idea to find activities to fill the time. If you haven’t already done so, check yourself for wounds. Chances are you have wounds if you’re at a safe house.  In addition to wounds, you may also possess stolen cash, jewels, or diamonds, so you might as well count them. If there is less than your share, someone cheated you, if you have more than your share, leave the safe house. There is a chance the “take” may not have been divided yet, so wait for the guys to arrive, and work it out then (remember, the driver doesn’t get a full share).

A quick note here: sometimes criminals like to “stash” the “loot” somewhere outside the safe house, like in a bus terminal locker, or underneath a big rock. This is usually in case of cops or betrayal, so I cannot stress this enough: if someone forces you to take them to the stashed loot, make sure you’ve stashed a gun as well. When they’re counting it, you can shoot them. Won’t they feel stupid! Let’s move on.

One activity prized among safe house residents is throwing cards in a hat. This can be hours of fun. If you don’t have a hat, you can use a garbage bin, and if you don’t have cards, throw diamonds.

Don’t fire your gun. And don’t pace angrily while holding your gun, because this will lead to firing your gun, especially if someone walks in and scares you. Remember, the guy who doesn’t show up ratted everyone out, or he’s dead, or an undercover cop (he may even be a dead undercover cop, which is very complicated). This is something you can try to figure out in the safe house.

Try not to be too hostile if someone arrives after waiting a long time. “Where the fuck have you been?” or “What the fuck happened?” are not strong opening lines, and don’t immediately accuse the guy of being the rat. Sure he’s probably the rat and came here to kill you, but try to snuff this out with questions, and then say, at the right moment, “I didn’t mentioned how he died.” Then shoot him. Fucking rat.

One thing you’re probably wondering is when you can leave the safe house. You can leave the safe house when the “heat’s off.” Ironically, if the heat does literally go off, or the water stops working, the cops are outside the safe house (run!). But how can one know when the figurative heat’s off? It’s more of a feeling, like a first kiss, hot chocolate on a cold day, or when a puppy licks your gun. Just to be safe though, check the word on the street (and if you know a dirty cop, you should totally ask him). What matters is that things need to “settle down” a little. When things settle down, the heat starts to dissipate, but remember, any new crimes or deaths can start the heat right up again, and make things hotter than they were before. At that point, no house will be safe.

Now the last but certainly not least important point is to know that your safe house can be “compromised.” This is a very big deal. When a safe house is compromised, it ceases to be safe, and is indeed a very dangerous house. It goes from being the best place to be to the worst place to be. Any of the following can compromise a safe house: the arrest of a crew member, a picture of you on television, a tracing device (throw this away!), the kidnapping of a loved one, or a live aerial shot of the safe house.

If, in the worst possible scenario, you find your safe house surrounded, you’ll need to shoot your way out. But there will likely be a lot of cops there, so what may work here is to get to the car in the garage, floor it with the brakes on, and then burst through the garage door onto the street. A lot of the details from there are fuzzy, but that’s the extent of my movie knowledge.

Chason Gordon

copyright 2011

For more about the life of crime, check out:

5 comments on “What to Do in a Safe House

  1. prettyfeetpoptoe

    I’m going to print out a copy of this and keep it in my handbag in case I get caught up in a heist this weekend. It’s highly likely as I live in East London. We like a good old fashioned heist.

  2. cocoblogs

    wow- this is absolutely hilarious, and, according to my movie knowledge, pretty damn correct.

  3. Pingback: What to Do on a Stakeout « Literally Humor

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This entry was posted on 09/29/2011 by in Life and tagged , , , , , , .
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