Humor by Chason Gordon. See below.

A Hackneyed 14th Century Comedian Who’s Tired of Attacking Castles

You ever notice when you attack a castle, they always raise the drawbridge right before you get there? I mean they had hours to raise the drawbridge – they knew what time the attack was – but they’re doing it at the last minute. Do you know why? Because they want to fuck with me!

Let me ask you a question, I understand that our archers shower the castle with arrows so we can approach, but once they’re out of arrows, would it kill them to pick up a sword and join the fight? I’m trying to cross the moat, and they’re in back, loudly criticizing and having a picnic. Tell me, how is eating the week’s rations helping right now?

And boy I love trying to cross a moat in this platinum armor. Maybe next I can get a job as a boat anchor!

Not to mention that the entire time I’m dodging an excessive amount of arrows. Is this a castle or an arrow factory? I’d wait for them to stop shooting but I might miss the Enlightenment!

Now you’d think I’d get a break at the castle wall, but no, here comes the boiling tar! Sure boiling tar sounds bad, but at least it’s not cold tar. Last time it was cold I sent it back!

Do you guys know what they pour the tar through? “Murder holes!” That’s what they’re called. Why would I ever attack something that has “murder holes?” You know what doesn’t have murder holes? My house. No murder holes there. None at my church. You’d think they’d give us some hope and call them “Injury Holes” or “Bruise Holes” or “You Might Feel Some Pressure Holes.”

Anyway guys, they’re giving me the torch. You’ve been a great unruly mob.

Chason Gordon

copyright 2011

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This entry was posted on 09/30/2011 by in History and tagged , , , , , , , .
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