Forgotten Greek Myths
Astridus, the god of involuntary spasms, finds his lover dallying in a field. Hoping to surprise young Supya, he poses as a sheep, but tragedy strikes when Supya, posing as a wolf, cannot resist her wolf-like instincts, and tears Astridus to death. It is only later, after turning Astridus into ashtrays and sheep jerky, that Supya discovers what she has wrought, though it is generally agreed by all concerned parties that Astridus was not a proper suitor to begin with.
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To strengthen himself in a coming battle, Perry asks the gods for powers that will make him superior to his enemies. The gods bequeath him mallets for fists, the legs of a bear, and a chest as wide and hard as a brick shithouse. But none of the parts work together very well, and Perry is left screaming “Kill me please!” in pure agony. The gods, tiring of his repeated incantations, simply leave Perry on the side of a highway. The battle goes well for the others.
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Poseidon, god of the sea, is angry, but he’s not sure why. His mighty waves crash against each other, sinking ships, disorienting whales, and causing various oil spills, which only makes Poseidon angrier, as he keeps dropping his slippery trident. Zeus, peering from behind his golden newspaper, sends Harmony, the goddess of harmony, to assess the situation. “Poseidon,” she says, “what troubles you this fine morning?” “What troubles me? Rodriguez can’t hit in the playoffs!” Harmony tells Poseidon not to worry, gives him some ambrosia, and flies away.
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A shape shifting god named Cletus sits over a meadow, posing as an adjacent meadow. He is troubled because he has shifted shapes so many times that he can longer recall his original form. In the distance walks Pedantus, knower of some things. “Pedantus my friend, do you know what form I originated as?” Pedantus takes off three pairs of glasses, and chews them as he thinks. “I believe young Cletus, you were about five foot ten, with a medium build, and thick furry eyebrows.” Cletus rejoices, and changes into this form. He is later picked up by the warden for matching a description.
Chason Gordon
copyright 2011
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