So Many Boxes: My Stint as a Mover
Originally appeared in The Billfold, 2015 At a molecular level, there’s not much of a difference between matter and empty space, but for some reason people still find it … Continue reading
Thoughts on Looking for an Apartment
There have been plenty of controversial issues related to apartments over the past year: micro-housing, rent prices, Godzilla proximity, but the biggest issue of all is that I’m looking for … Continue reading
A Procrastinator’s Guide to Eventually Giving
When it comes to presents, they say that it’s the thought that counts, but you and I know this is nonsense. You can’t give someone an empty box and say, … Continue reading
Maybe We’d Be Okay with Drones if They Brought Us Stuff
People are still a little uncomfortable with drones. They fly and have cameras and can’t be hugged or petted. A drone will never pick up a check and are the … Continue reading
Don’t Feel Bad About Trampling Someone on Black Friday
By the time you’ve eaten turkey, lied to your family about how things are going in your life, and watched Planes, Trains and Automobiles, it’s Black Friday. Some choose to … Continue reading
Thanksgiving is About More than Turkey, I Think
This year, when you fall over on the sofa, stomach bursting with food, zipper half-open, head aswirl with wine, and all attempts by people to socialize angrily waved off in … Continue reading
How to Clean Up all that Crap after Halloween
Cleaning up after Halloween is certainly a tough feat. It’s perfectly natural to want the Halloween spirit to last as long as possible, and bask in the frivolity of the … Continue reading
Sometimes you arrive late to a 4000-person water balloon fight (with video!)
It shall go down as one of the bloodiest, wettest, sexiest days in Seattle history, a day in which thousands of men and women gave their dryness so that a … Continue reading
Micro-Apartments: If These Walls Could Talk, They’d Whisper
The American space program has been suffering of late. We simply can’t find enough people willing to spend six months to a year living inside a small capsule in … Continue reading
Let’s Make a Gingerbread House!
Hi everybody! Today we’re going to make a gingerbread house. People often think that Christmas is all about Santa Claus and presents and avoiding that one aunt. Wrong! It’s about … Continue reading
Words We’ve Probably Learned From Movies
Everyone has either been the victim or the aggressor in regards to the following sentence: “Oh, you got that from [insert movie here].” As much as we’d like to deny … Continue reading
BREAKING NEWS: Romney Blames Election Loss on “Lazy” Son
BOSTON – Throughout the election campaign, Mitt Romney’s five sons, Tagg, Matt, Josh, Ben, and Craig, played an essential role in helping their father get the word out. But a … Continue reading
A Meditation on a Stray Jar of Cheese Balls
Every time I walk into a convenience store near my apartment, I see a lonely giant jar of cheese balls that no one appears to be buying. As a massive … Continue reading
BREAKING NEWS: Obama and Romney Spent Election Night Playing Halo 4
WASHINGTON – According to campaign insiders, President Obama and Mitt Romney spent election night playing the new Halo for hours, occasionally pausing the Xbox game to check swing state results. … Continue reading
10 Reasons We Should Carve Watermelons Instead of Pumpkins
So there I was, elbow deep in the disgusting bowel-like innards of a pumpkin, when it occurred to me, why in the hell am I doing this? “Chason, it’s a … Continue reading
Zombie Bees Are A Thing
I’m generally racist towards insects. I don’t want them in my home, I don’t want them in my community, and if my daughter ever brought one home for prom, I‘d … Continue reading
Take This Vegetable, Please
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but today it seems like it takes a village to feed a child, because they’re fat. I’m saying that one … Continue reading
My Address to the Graduates
Originally appeared in The Capitol Hill Times, Seattle, June 21, 2012 Graduates, parents, and chancellors from all the colleges and universities across this city: once again you did not ask … Continue reading
The Time I Robbed A Train
I remember being in the country. The first issue at hand was stopping the train. You might think this required an obstruction, like a barrel filled with explosives, a woman … Continue reading
Why No Ketchup Chips, America?
Some people wonder about the main difference between Canada and the U.S. You may point to the structure of government, the tax system, or the weather, but I can simplify … Continue reading
My First Comicon in Pictures
My stupid article on the Seattle Comicon can be found here: http://www.capitolhilltimes.com/2012/04/trying-to-get-into-the-emerald-city-comic-con/ Chason Gordon copyright 2012
On the Phrase “No Worries”
A few years ago I apologized to a friend for not making it to his party, and very effortlessly, he shook his head and said, “No worries.” I had never … Continue reading
Man Uses Robocalls to Trash Successful Sister
TEMPE, ARIZONA – Peter Thompson had long felt jealous of his sister for her various successes, fearing she outshined him in the eyes of his parents, so he decided to … Continue reading
Romney Restructures Wayne Industries
GOTHAM – In a shocking move today, Mitt Romney’s Bain Capital purchased Bruce Wayne’s company and immediately began restructuring it, leading to thousands of layoffs across the board. “This should … Continue reading
All You Need to Know About Mannequins
Because we as humans are not stackable on shelves in small square piles, it was necessary to create mannequins. That is essentially the history. I could mention old kings using … Continue reading
LITERALLY HUMOR 