LITERALLY HUMOR

Humor by Chason Gordon. See below.

Category Archives: Life

So Many Boxes: My Stint as a Mover

Originally appeared in The Billfold, 2015   At a molecular level, there’s not much of a difference between matter and empty space, but for some reason people still find it … Continue reading

04/21/2016 · Leave a comment

Thoughts on Looking for an Apartment

There have been plenty of controversial issues related to apartments over the past year: micro-housing, rent prices, Godzilla proximity, but the biggest issue of all is that I’m looking for … Continue reading

06/02/2014 · Leave a comment

A Procrastinator’s Guide to Eventually Giving

When it comes to presents, they say that it’s the thought that counts, but you and I know this is nonsense. You can’t give someone an empty box and say, … Continue reading

12/24/2013 · 17 Comments

Maybe We’d Be Okay with Drones if They Brought Us Stuff

People are still a little uncomfortable with drones. They fly and have cameras and can’t be hugged or petted. A drone will never pick up a check and are the … Continue reading

12/04/2013 · Leave a comment

Don’t Feel Bad About Trampling Someone on Black Friday

By the time you’ve eaten turkey, lied to your family about how things are going in your life, and watched Planes, Trains and Automobiles, it’s Black Friday. Some choose to … Continue reading

11/29/2013 · 2 Comments

Thanksgiving is About More than Turkey, I Think

This year, when you fall over on the sofa, stomach bursting with food, zipper half-open, head aswirl with wine, and all attempts by people to socialize angrily waved off in … Continue reading

11/27/2013 · 4 Comments

How to Clean Up all that Crap after Halloween

Cleaning up after Halloween is certainly a tough feat. It’s perfectly natural to want the Halloween spirit to last as long as possible, and bask in the frivolity of the … Continue reading

10/31/2013 · Leave a comment

Let’s Make a Gingerbread House!

Hi everybody! Today we’re going to make a gingerbread house. People often think that Christmas is all about Santa Claus and presents and avoiding that one aunt. Wrong! It’s about … Continue reading

12/20/2012 · 1 Comment

A Meditation on a Stray Jar of Cheese Balls

Every time I walk into a convenience store near my apartment, I see a lonely giant jar of cheese balls that no one appears to be buying. As a massive … Continue reading

11/12/2012 · Leave a comment

10 Reasons We Should Carve Watermelons Instead of Pumpkins

So there I was, elbow deep in the disgusting bowel-like innards of a pumpkin, when it occurred to me, why in the hell am I doing this? “Chason, it’s a … Continue reading

10/30/2012 · 1 Comment

Zombie Bees Are A Thing

I’m generally racist towards insects. I don’t want them in my home, I don’t want them in my community, and if my daughter ever brought one home for prom, I‘d … Continue reading

09/27/2012 · 1 Comment

Take This Vegetable, Please

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but today it seems like it takes a village to feed a child, because they’re fat. I’m saying that one … Continue reading

09/13/2012 · 1 Comment

My Address to the Graduates

Originally appeared in The Capitol Hill Times, Seattle, June 21, 2012 Graduates, parents, and chancellors from all the colleges and universities across this city: once again you did not ask … Continue reading

08/15/2012 · 1 Comment

The Time I Robbed A Train

I remember being in the country. The first issue at hand was stopping the train. You might think this required an obstruction, like a barrel filled with explosives, a woman … Continue reading

05/22/2012 · 2 Comments

Why No Ketchup Chips, America?

Some people wonder about the main difference between Canada and the U.S. You may point to the structure of government, the tax system, or the weather, but I can simplify … Continue reading

04/10/2012 · 57 Comments

My First Comicon in Pictures

My stupid article on the Seattle Comicon can be found here: http://www.capitolhilltimes.com/2012/04/trying-to-get-into-the-emerald-city-comic-con/   Chason Gordon   copyright 2012 

04/05/2012 · 1 Comment

All You Need to Know About Mannequins

Because we as humans are not stackable on shelves in small square piles, it was necessary to create mannequins. That is essentially the history. I could mention old kings using … Continue reading

02/29/2012 · 1 Comment

The Hypocrisy of Treadmills

The problem with treadmills is that they always cater to the ideal running experience. Now surely that is the role of any piece of equipment in the gym, but life … Continue reading

02/03/2012 · Leave a comment

How to Cook Chicken

Let’s say you’re standing in front of a piece of meat. Let’s just say it, we don’t have rush into any kind of action. It could be chicken, or the … Continue reading

01/10/2012 · 1 Comment

All You Need to Know About Fireworks

I don’t know about you, but the New Year’s resolution I make most often while watching the fireworks is that I need to watch more fireworks. They are so absorbing … Continue reading

12/31/2011 · Leave a comment

How To Ace That Job Interview

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/how-to-ace-that-job-interview/

11/08/2011 · Leave a comment

So You Heard Your Neighbors Having Sex

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/so-you-heard-your-neighbors-having-sex/ image – John Tornow

10/27/2011 · Leave a comment

All You Need to Know About Pistachios

Pistachios are an odd nut, because they’re the only nut that has cleavage. If you look at a pistachio the shell is always slightly spread open, giving you a preview … Continue reading

10/25/2011 · 4 Comments

Just You Try and Watch a Movie

Cinema attendance is down this year, and it doesn’t matter what year I’m writing this, because it’s down every year. Who knew that terrible prints, low light projection, endless trailers, … Continue reading

10/13/2011 · Leave a comment

Those Elusive Free Wireless Zones

There is something especially pathetic about the man at the beach with the metal detector. It’s not his desperate search for treasure, or his lack of proper beach attire, but … Continue reading

10/06/2011 · 1 Comment

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