LITERALLY HUMOR

Humor by Chason Gordon. See below.

Tag Archives: humor

So Many Boxes: My Stint as a Mover

Originally appeared in The Billfold, 2015   At a molecular level, there’s not much of a difference between matter and empty space, but for some reason people still find it … Continue reading

04/21/2016 · Leave a comment

Thoughts on Looking for an Apartment

There have been plenty of controversial issues related to apartments over the past year: micro-housing, rent prices, Godzilla proximity, but the biggest issue of all is that I’m looking for … Continue reading

06/02/2014 · 1 Comment

A Procrastinator’s Guide to Eventually Giving

When it comes to presents, they say that it’s the thought that counts, but you and I know this is nonsense. You can’t give someone an empty box and say, … Continue reading

12/24/2013 · 17 Comments

Don’t Feel Bad About Trampling Someone on Black Friday

By the time you’ve eaten turkey, lied to your family about how things are going in your life, and watched Planes, Trains and Automobiles, it’s Black Friday. Some choose to … Continue reading

11/29/2013 · 2 Comments

Thanksgiving is About More than Turkey, I Think

This year, when you fall over on the sofa, stomach bursting with food, zipper half-open, head aswirl with wine, and all attempts by people to socialize angrily waved off in … Continue reading

11/27/2013 · 4 Comments

How to Clean Up all that Crap after Halloween

Cleaning up after Halloween is certainly a tough feat. It’s perfectly natural to want the Halloween spirit to last as long as possible, and bask in the frivolity of the … Continue reading

10/31/2013 · Leave a comment

Let’s Make a Gingerbread House!

Hi everybody! Today we’re going to make a gingerbread house. People often think that Christmas is all about Santa Claus and presents and avoiding that one aunt. Wrong! It’s about … Continue reading

12/20/2012 · 1 Comment

A Meditation on a Stray Jar of Cheese Balls

Every time I walk into a convenience store near my apartment, I see a lonely giant jar of cheese balls that no one appears to be buying. As a massive … Continue reading

11/12/2012 · Leave a comment

The Time I Robbed A Train

I remember being in the country. The first issue at hand was stopping the train. You might think this required an obstruction, like a barrel filled with explosives, a woman … Continue reading

05/22/2012 · 2 Comments

All You Need to Know About Mannequins

Because we as humans are not stackable on shelves in small square piles, it was necessary to create mannequins. That is essentially the history. I could mention old kings using … Continue reading

02/29/2012 · 1 Comment

Obama Engrossed By Republican Primaries, Forgets Presidential Duties

WASHINGTON – According to a recent report, President Obama is so engrossed with the republican primaries that he’s forgotten all his responsibilities as Commander in Chief. “He spends all day … Continue reading

01/27/2012 · Leave a comment

Just You Try and Watch a Movie

Cinema attendance is down this year, and it doesn’t matter what year I’m writing this, because it’s down every year. Who knew that terrible prints, low light projection, endless trailers, … Continue reading

10/13/2011 · Leave a comment

Forgotten Greek Myths

Astridus, the god of involuntary spasms, finds his lover dallying in a field. Hoping to surprise young Supya, he poses as a sheep, but tragedy strikes when Supya, posing as … Continue reading

10/10/2011 · 3 Comments

Those Elusive Free Wireless Zones

There is something especially pathetic about the man at the beach with the metal detector. It’s not his desperate search for treasure, or his lack of proper beach attire, but … Continue reading

10/06/2011 · 1 Comment

A Hackneyed 14th Century Comedian Who’s Tired of Attacking Castles

You ever notice when you attack a castle, they always raise the drawbridge right before you get there? I mean they had hours to raise the drawbridge – they knew … Continue reading

09/30/2011 · Leave a comment

What to Do in a Safe House

The best thing to do in a safe house is think about why you’re in a safe house. What did you do to get here? Did you kill someone? Did … Continue reading

09/29/2011 · 5 Comments

How to Deal with an Ant Problem

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/how-to-deal-with-an-ant-problem/

09/23/2011 · Leave a comment

Behavioral Therapy Teaches Polite Driver How to Be an Asshole

http://glossynews.com/society/human-interest/201109221558/behavioral-therapy-teaches-polite-driver-how-to-be-an-asshole/

09/22/2011 · 2 Comments

All You Need to Know About Paper Towels

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/all-you-need-to-know-about-paper-towels/ Photo:  nickgraywfu http://www.flickr.com/photos/nickgray/

09/21/2011 · Leave a comment

What Your Toilet Paper Ply Says About You

http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/what-your-toilet-paper-ply-says-about-you

09/21/2011 · Leave a comment

Why We Don’t Have Flying Cars

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/why-we-dont-have-flying-cars/

09/16/2011 · 1 Comment

The Original Consumer Report on the Dishwasher

Every meal must end as God intended with the cleaning of dishes, to remind us that our culinary reverie is only that, a brief respite from a life of labor, … Continue reading

09/14/2011 · Leave a comment

My Dream to Own a Book Ladder

I’ve always wanted to own a book ladder (see above). It’s not typically associated with status symbols, like a two car garage or a remote controlled barbeque, but it matters … Continue reading

09/14/2011 · 1 Comment

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