So Many Boxes: My Stint as a Mover
Originally appeared in The Billfold, 2015 At a molecular level, there’s not much of a difference between matter and empty space, but for some reason people still find it … Continue reading
Thoughts on Looking for an Apartment
There have been plenty of controversial issues related to apartments over the past year: micro-housing, rent prices, Godzilla proximity, but the biggest issue of all is that I’m looking for … Continue reading
A Procrastinator’s Guide to Eventually Giving
When it comes to presents, they say that it’s the thought that counts, but you and I know this is nonsense. You can’t give someone an empty box and say, … Continue reading
Don’t Feel Bad About Trampling Someone on Black Friday
By the time you’ve eaten turkey, lied to your family about how things are going in your life, and watched Planes, Trains and Automobiles, it’s Black Friday. Some choose to … Continue reading
Thanksgiving is About More than Turkey, I Think
This year, when you fall over on the sofa, stomach bursting with food, zipper half-open, head aswirl with wine, and all attempts by people to socialize angrily waved off in … Continue reading
How to Clean Up all that Crap after Halloween
Cleaning up after Halloween is certainly a tough feat. It’s perfectly natural to want the Halloween spirit to last as long as possible, and bask in the frivolity of the … Continue reading
Let’s Make a Gingerbread House!
Hi everybody! Today we’re going to make a gingerbread house. People often think that Christmas is all about Santa Claus and presents and avoiding that one aunt. Wrong! It’s about … Continue reading
A Meditation on a Stray Jar of Cheese Balls
Every time I walk into a convenience store near my apartment, I see a lonely giant jar of cheese balls that no one appears to be buying. As a massive … Continue reading
The Time I Robbed A Train
I remember being in the country. The first issue at hand was stopping the train. You might think this required an obstruction, like a barrel filled with explosives, a woman … Continue reading
All You Need to Know About Mannequins
Because we as humans are not stackable on shelves in small square piles, it was necessary to create mannequins. That is essentially the history. I could mention old kings using … Continue reading
Obama Engrossed By Republican Primaries, Forgets Presidential Duties
WASHINGTON – According to a recent report, President Obama is so engrossed with the republican primaries that he’s forgotten all his responsibilities as Commander in Chief. “He spends all day … Continue reading
Just You Try and Watch a Movie
Cinema attendance is down this year, and it doesn’t matter what year I’m writing this, because it’s down every year. Who knew that terrible prints, low light projection, endless trailers, … Continue reading
Forgotten Greek Myths
Astridus, the god of involuntary spasms, finds his lover dallying in a field. Hoping to surprise young Supya, he poses as a sheep, but tragedy strikes when Supya, posing as … Continue reading
Those Elusive Free Wireless Zones
There is something especially pathetic about the man at the beach with the metal detector. It’s not his desperate search for treasure, or his lack of proper beach attire, but … Continue reading
A Hackneyed 14th Century Comedian Who’s Tired of Attacking Castles
You ever notice when you attack a castle, they always raise the drawbridge right before you get there? I mean they had hours to raise the drawbridge – they knew … Continue reading
What to Do in a Safe House
The best thing to do in a safe house is think about why you’re in a safe house. What did you do to get here? Did you kill someone? Did … Continue reading
How to Deal with an Ant Problem
http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/how-to-deal-with-an-ant-problem/
All You Need to Know About Paper Towels
http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/all-you-need-to-know-about-paper-towels/ Photo: nickgraywfu http://www.flickr.com/photos/nickgray/
What Your Toilet Paper Ply Says About You
http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/what-your-toilet-paper-ply-says-about-you
Why We Don’t Have Flying Cars
http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/why-we-dont-have-flying-cars/
The Original Consumer Report on the Dishwasher
Every meal must end as God intended with the cleaning of dishes, to remind us that our culinary reverie is only that, a brief respite from a life of labor, … Continue reading
My Dream to Own a Book Ladder
I’ve always wanted to own a book ladder (see above). It’s not typically associated with status symbols, like a two car garage or a remote controlled barbeque, but it matters … Continue reading
LITERALLY HUMOR 